she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize