I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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