My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
