i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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