youre lurking in front of me
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
