You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
