Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
