saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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