I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
