They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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