Pants 0. Shit 1.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
