I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
