I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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