Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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