just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
