why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
