my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Randomize
