i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's shark week go big or go home
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize