i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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