At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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