so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
