The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he puts the penis in happiness.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
