Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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