Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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