im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
