I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize