I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
