She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
3pm strippers are depressing
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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