I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i now understand why vodka
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