Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
