my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
