how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
