Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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