I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
