I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
