rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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