i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
