I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
