It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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