im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
