can we get nightvision for the apartment?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
