whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
