i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
