picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
