guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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