I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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