Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
