nut hugger
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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