Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
