Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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