I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize