It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
