I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
