I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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