True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
