You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
