You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
