There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
