Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Randomize
