Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
