I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
