i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
did i just pee glitter
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
