dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
