There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
