he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize