mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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