I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
