I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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