Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
