My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
