I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
