guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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