he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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